Not so Superman?

I plan to sue Superman for the fact that he is not awesome. The court hearing would go this way. I am the opposition lawyer against Superman by the way.

ME: You are an alien right?

Superman: What has this gotta…..(interrupted)

ME: Answer me

Superman: Yes.

ME: So do you have any legal papers certifying you aren’t illegal?

Superman’s Lawyer: Objection.

Judge: Overruled

ME: do you?

Superman: No

ME: Point to be noted my lord. Superman is an illegal alien

ME: Is it true You don’t have to eat to replenish energy? You charge by the sun?

Superman: Yes.

ME: So you are useless on rainy and overcast days?

Superman: I could harvest energy from Sunflowers!!!

ME: You carry around sunflowers with you.

Superman: …………..

ME: You are harmed by Kryptonite, yeah?

Superman: it’s my achilles’ heel.

ME: So a Baby with Kyrptonite in its diaper can defeat you?

Superman: I can’t harm….. a baby.

ME: I don’t…… care.

ME: Batman’s arch-nemesis is Joker, Leonidas’ was Xerxes. Who’s yours?

Superman: Lex!

ME: Superstars ke khoobsurathi ka raaz???

Superman: (Facepalming) Lex Luthor.

ME: So a bald business man in his late forties. I don’t wanna even go into it.

ME: What commendable superpowers do you have?

Superman: X-ray vision.

ME: You Perv………….

ME: Lets come to more scientific facts. Your kind doesn’t need to eat, they charge by the sun yeah?

Superman: Yes.

ME: Then why do you have a mouth? Also why do you look like a human. Were there apes on your planet too? Huh?

Superman: I DON’T KNOWWW!

ME: You ain’t got no Darwin in Krypton Bitch!!!

Superman’s Lawyer: Objection,Your honour, prosecution is using in-disciplinary  language.

Judge: Overruled Mutha*****……..

ME: I rest my case, your honour.

Judge: By the awesomely placed questions of the prosecution it is proven Superman is not super. He is hereby not to be referred as superman but the law shall allow him to be called “not so superman” or “marginally superman” or “partially superman” so that people may not be confused.

ME: Hey “not so superman” I am sorry……………….NOT. Batman can still kick your ass!!!!

That’s how it has to end…….”Sue”perman.

Lemonade or Limca

Would you have Lemonade or Limca? surely Limca, the fizzy bubbly tangy refreshing drink. But why am I writing about beverages. read on…….

Every other day I listen to some movie song, dialogue, forwarded email, Archies greeting or a post on someones FB wall saying listen to your heart, do what your heart wants, follow your heart..Blah blah., But is reality the same? Can you follow your heart without any consequences? It is impossible to do this due to many factors.

Its good in theory but fails in practice. Why? because humans are social beings. We were meant to live in packs, care for each other and this is how we craft the chapters of our lives. We are not loners even if we try to be. Blessed are those who can follow their heart without any consequences or repercussions. Most of us couldn’t follow our dreams due to various reasons. Not that all of us fear risk but sometimes its good to break even than risk something very important.

Now, these movie songs, dialogues have made it a point to say if we don’t listen to our hearts now we will regret it in the future., our lives would be bland and we would be zombies just trying to traverse life of broken dreams. Really.?!! Someone should tell these people Life is what you make of it. I am not an idol, even I have succumbed to the miseries of broken dreams. I wanted to be a fighter pilot but couldn’t due to certain reasons. I moped around in my life for some time but one day I installed YS Flight Simulator and now I am the scourge of the skies. I have piloted everything from the F-14 Tomcat to the Rafale. I have pulled 8 G’s in an F-22 and shot down countless bogeys with mere machine guns during dogfights. If I had been a real pilot who knows if I might have even reached the age 25.

I am not saying that you look for an astronomy simulator. But you can still buy a telescope. Life is what you have made of it and you have an excellent life. Any one else in your position would have messed it up but you have done a darn good job of making it till here. You need to be rewarded. No one will remember what you were or where you were in life once you are dead, everyone has got their own headaches. So, its upto you to enjoy your life. The real fun of the journey is the journey itself, not the destination.

So, finally what I want to say is “Life gave you lemons, its up to you to settle for lemonade or make limca”……

Spread this to all the people who you think should be rewarded for the awesome journey they are making that is the life and to those who need the jolt of reality…………

Musings of a Time Traveller

The Large Hadron Particle Collider was created to hunt for the Higg’s Boson or the God Particle. Scientists are looking for the God particle. I thought Science didn’t believe in Religion. Anyways so when the Collider was supposed to start it was rumored that the fabric time and space shall be ripped; black holes would be created everywhere just like in a Micheal bay blockbuster. And it would only be upto the United States to save the day.

Now the most interesting thing that came to light from the experiment was that during these particle collisions sub-atomic particles can rip the space-time continuum to travel through time. And this was the spark to ignite my mind. Suddenly I started wondering what to do if I go back in time…,

May be buy some Google and Apple stock in the early nineties, Buy land around the metropolitan cities., Then my mind starts getting devious., It has got a mind of its own! (I love recursion)  I get devilish thoughts like what If I could Meet my wife before we get married, Stop the Fodder scam, Leave a missed call to Graham bell, catch the apple before it hit Newton, Puncture the First Wheel, Play Tag with a Tyrannosoarus  Rex, Save the dodo from being extinct, Prevent the Big Bang…….

Scientists may say this is not possible and physics won’t allow me to do these changes because any change in the past can erase the future. Fancy way of saying Karma’s a Bitch. But also the scientists have the Chaos theory which says the flapping of a butterfly’s wing in the past could lead to a tornado in the future and you can have multiverses or parallel universes. Mind boggling stuff but then I realize I don’t want to go to the past. Its the future I am after.

All I wanna do is go to the future and buy… uhmmm … rob stuff (rising inflation) and bring it back to my time to enjoy it. I would wake up to the song I want to listen played on my DNA based computer which would monitor my dreams to understand what my mood is, followed by a spray of the Bath Gas, Wear my Headsup display goggles and jump on my hoverboard to fly off into the sunrise……… Ah the life.

Dreams are great… aren’t they?????

If Life was a Videogame….

I have a bad habit, I day dream a lot. It’s what got me through the social studies class in School. I can’t get rid of this habit. Frankly, I don’t want to. It’s what keeps me entertained when I don’t have anything to do.

The other day I was thinking What would human life be if it were a video game;

1. Wake up in the morning. Want to sleep more —————– Hit the Pause button.

2. Bath?? What Bath?? —————— Mario travels 8 worlds without a single bead of sweat.

3. Breakfast! —————– Ha., When was the last Master Chief asked for hard boiled eggs.

4. Spilled Coffee on wifey’s favorite carpet ——————- “Reload Checkpoint”

5. Feel Feverish ————————– Look for Medkit. Limit search to bathroom cupboards.

6. Injured ——————- Health pack ahoy! Most plausible location on the wall of a random building.

7. Bank balance is zero ————– Kick, destroy or maim Trashcans. For higher amounts repeat above steps on pedestrians.

8. Traffic Jam —————- Knock every car off the road. Look for a glowing wrench and drive into it for repairs.

9. Late for Office and Boss is shunting  ——————— Hadouken!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Datawarehousing for NewBIes – Part 2

So now that you have all the data in your warehouse, you do not know how to connect data from one department to the other. for e.g., Sales Team sold your products but the Income is handled by the Finance Team, your Inventory is managed by the Operations team but all the money required for the process is handled by the Finance Team etc., Now you have to find the common points to link your data from different points.

To do this you can get an Entity Relationship Diagram depicting the Entities in your organization. Entities being your various parts of the organization.

Entity Relationship Diagrams

Here you understand what the ID’s are in each department and whether these ID’s are replicated in other departments for tracking. If they are then you are in luck otherwise you need to get ready for some serious remodeling of the organization’s operation.

These IDs or unique identifiers for your entity can be called Dimensions. Dimensions are your concrete Entities.

For e.g.,  In your Sales Department, your Dimensions would be Customers who buy products, Products which are sold, Employees in the Sales Department etc., The most layman way to find out whether an entity can be a Dimension or not is whether it has different qualities or not. Customers can have  Contact Information, Type etc., Any thing that can hold its own existence in the warehouse can be put under a Dimension. for e.g., Orders placed by customer cannot be dimensions as they are transactions and do not have an existence unless a Dimension (Customer) creates one.

Once you have your Dimensions you can correlate and consolidate dimensions from various data sources/departments. You can also create a hybrid Dimension called Employees from Employees Dimension of the different Departments.

Now that you can understand how you data resides in the warehouse you decide what your data warehouse boundaries can be. How your departments want to share their data. This will lead to a very important topic of Data marts/Data marts… Dun Dun Daaan.

More on it in the next post. Same place and same channel……..

 

Datawarehousing for NewBIes – Part 1

Before you say “I see what you did there”, this post is aimed at all the new comers to Data warehousing and Business Intelligence Technologies. Most of us learn the tools first and then get to understand what data warehousing and business intelligence in practice and frankly it should be the other way around. This post is like data warehousing for Dummies which I was one.

First off, the definitions;

Data Warehouse: A typical humungous Database where you maintain your data. It can be historical like your sales from the past 10 years to everyday operational data like no.of hits on your website by different people. In layman terms it is a big database where you store all your organization’s relevant data.

Data Warehousing: It involves creating efficient data warehouses so that their users can benefit from it by getting their questions answered.

Typical Scenario; Your client has a huge organization and it has many departments like Finance, Operations, Service, Sales etc., The client has a board of members who makes decisions and need structured data to make these decisions. If you hand them databases of different departments they would go insane. If you give them different reports from different departments they would need additional time to correlate data.

This is when you step up and say “I will build you a data warehouse and by the power of the data warehouse you will make decisions”.

Your journey begins as below:

You go to each department and understand what the hell they do and where they store their data. After a lot of meetings and unending supply of coffee you have all the inputs you need.

You understand that you can take all the departments’ data and just dump it in a single place to start off. You use various data extraction and cleansing tools and get the data into one place.

Now you see that the data still has no connection. You start meeting again with the departments to understand how they correlate and collaborate their data with the other departments.

  (…………………………..To be continued)