Weekly Standup Comedy Snippet

What’s the deal with the vehicle stickers that people put on their rides?

I mean do they expect me to read them? I have my right hand on the accelerator, left one on the front brake, right leg on the rear brake, left one on the clutch, one eye on the traffic upfront and the other on the rear view mirror and yet I will take my time to read, critique and understand things about a total stranger…..

So here are some of the weird stickers and my comments on them;

1. “Yes, it’s my dad’s road” – Then please ask him to fill the pot holes, mend the divider and repair the street lights
2. “I don’t drive fast, I fly low” – This seems like the caption of 9/11 hijackers.
3. “Girls are labilities” – Please define the term “Labilities”.
4.”Fallow me .. if you dare” – I don’t even wanna know what “FALLOW” means…
5.”1st Please death, don’t please man” – I won’t understand this even after I do a ph.D in psychology
6.”2♥17″ (On an autoriskhaw) – If the sentence “Do Dil EK Saath” came to your mind when you saw this then you must be the president of the Himesh Reshammiya Fan club

Thank you…I am here all week.

Business Objects Office Prank

Hey there,

Ever wanted to write a hate mail to your boss, a letter to that special cubicle mate or just pull a plain old prank on you teammates under total anonymity? who doesn’t right… If you have Business Objects installed on any server (not your workstation…) its almost impossible to track the perpetrator unless you have friends in the mail admin team. Follow the steps below to have fun;

1. Login to Business Objects CMS of the server with the common user id.

2. Right click on a report and select schedule and set the properties for recurrence, select hourly and every X minutes to really irritate.

3. Now for the important part, select destination option and in the Destination box select Email. Deselect the ‘Use Default Settings” and you will be presented with the options and you can frame the mail. You can even set the “From” email id to anything you want.

4. Hit Schedule button and avoid giggling every time someone mentions business objects.

This prank was played on my teammate and we have yet to find out the prankster…….

Putting the FUN in Oracle Functions

Every tried being evil just for the fun of it? Let me tell you how..,

Oracle Database doesn’t allow you to do DML operations in Functions, oh no… you need a stored procedure for that. However, there is a backdoor Oracle provided for doing this…. behold the PRAGMA AUTONOMOUS TRANSACTION.

So I have a table “test” into which I need to insert a row.

Being what I am I won’t use a stored procedure; Lets make DBA’s earn their salaries.

Creating a function as below;

create or replace
FUNCTION EVIL RETURN VARCHAR2 IS
PRAGMA AUTONOMOUS_TRANSACTION;
BEGIN
insert into test values (‘d’);
commit;
return ‘muahhhaaaaahhaaaa’;
END EVIL;

Running the function

select evil() from test;

There you have it folks., go forth and be the scourge of the database world…….

 

PS: The origins of my experience on pragma autonomous were not evil, I had done this when I needed to update data into a table during ETL of a datamart but somehow my team mate couldn’t get informatica to do so……. That week I eneded up crashing the database server which lead to one whole day without work to my team mates….

 

 

 

 

Ready, Setto, Go

My first blog post after 8 years., I just want to give a brief idea on what my blog will be all about; it’s about work, play and everything in between….. I won’t say it would be a rollercoster ride but it would be awesome fun nonetheless. Basically this blog is about what I discover in life. Here goes nothing……..